Years ago I was part of a forum, yes there were forums in the old days, that was a Richard Laymon fan group. We were small but because close. Even though the forum is long gone the group is still around, just now on Facebook. We are all still good friends even though we span the globe. Back in 2007 we used to do what we called our “Kooky Stories” contest. You would have five items (usually weird or unusual) and you had to write a story including those five items. Afterwards we voted and the winner got to pick the next five items for the next contest. One of my stories, Merry Christmas, was written November 2, 2007. After all this time I don’t remember what the five words were. But it made for a silly, gory Christmas story; because that’s what we were all about. I thought I’d post it here to everyone to enjoy.
Merry Christmas, Veronica Smith, November 2, 2007
As Thanksgiving approached, all the impending signs of Christmas were apparent. Even before Halloween had arrived, the Christmas decorations had taken over the seasonal area and shelves. Those leftover bags of Sponge Bob & Bratz candy sat next to all those new flavors of candy canes. Working in the local Kmart was a crappy job but it was a job. It paid the rent and girls really went for guys that actually had a job. Robert was thinking about girls again as he adjusted the white and green artificial Christmas trees in the display. They had them packed in so tight you couldn’t get a postage stamp between them. It was thirty minutes after closing so he could loosen his smock. He took pride in his department and decided that even if he had to put some of those trees back in storage it would make them look more appealing. As he mulled over, trying to decide which ones to put away, he heard odd clopping noises; like horses walking down the center aisle. He looked around for the prankster; Lou was way over in Housewares straightening up the Tupperware and small appliances. Susan had the worst department – toys! After a day of all those brats going thru there it looked as though a tornado hit. He didn’t envy her. Usually his department, seasonal, only got real bad when they had a huge sale on boxes of ornaments or cards; as it did today. After straightening up those shelves he wandered over to the yard displays. He came to a sudden halt. The “blow up” Santa and reindeer were gone! They weren’t on the floor deflated but someone had turned off the air pumps and unplugged them from the figures. They must have carried them off. But security would’ve seen people taking stuff that big! “Have you been naughty or nice?” boomed a loud voice. Robert turned to see Santa in all his blown up glory; without the aid of any air pump! How was this possible? “Well?” Santa asked again, “Have you been naughty or nice?” His round air-filled belly shook like a bowl full of jelly, bigger actually – like a huge plate of jelly. Santa had one arm behind his back and brought it around front now. In his huge gloved hand he held an axe. It still had the $10.88 sale tag on it. His jolly mouth was turned down in a frown of malice. He smacked the axe flatwise in the palm of his other hand. “You haven’t answered me.” He bellowed at Robert. Robert opened his mouth but couldn’t speak – couldn’t do anything except stare at the axe wavering up and down. He turned and fled down the aisle that let towards Linens. Clop, Clop. Clop. He froze when he saw three blow up reindeer walk out from other aisles into the aisle in front of him. He let out a scream of terror. “What’s wrong?” he could hear Lou call from the distant part of the store. Without stopping to answer he turned down the next aisle and headed in Lou’s direction. He almost stumbled upon two other reindeer. They had knocked down several shelves worth of towels and were locked together on top of them like two dogs mating. In shock he tripped and picked himself up. He managed to get to Housewares and ran right past Lou., who was covertly picking his nose and wiping the boogers on the spatulas hanging next to him. “What’s the matter with you?” he asked Robert. “Santa!” Robert panted, “he’s got an axe!” Lou looked at Robert and smiled. “Oh, you’ve been nipping at that spiked eggnog, haven’t you?” “No really!” Robert yelled, “He’s coming!” “Sure,” Lou sang, “Santa Claus is coming to town! Ha ha!” “Have you been naughty or nice?” boomed Santa, who
had caught up with Robert now. “Holy shit!” Lou shouted, “What the hell is going on?” Santa didn’t answer him; only swung the axe up and back down through the top of Lou’s skull. It split in half and he dropped to the floor like a stone. He chopped at him for a while, momentarily forgetting about Robert. Robert’s mouth gaped in horror. He had to get out of here! But he had to get Susan out before this homicidal Santa found her. He ran to Toys; careful not to make a lot of noise this time. He literally ran into her near the Barbies. Any other time that much pink would make him puke. This time, however, he didn’t even notice. This time rather than try to explain about Psycho Santa, he whispered to Susan, “We have to get out of here. There’s been a break in and they have guns.” He knew that would get her going. As they were sneaking thru Hardware they were stopped by three more reindeer. Amazingly they snorted smoke from their nostrils and bellowed like bulls. Suddenly they charged like bulls! Robert dropped and rolled away, smacking into a hanging rack, suddenly rained on by small tools. Susan only screamed once as all three reindeer stomped on her. Robert suddenly noticed the air valve on the back hindquarters of each reindeer. He grabbed a pair of pliers and ripped them out of the package. He used them to grab the valve and hold it open. Immediately that reindeer deflated before his eyes. He grabbed a screwdriver and jabbed it into another one; it burst with an audible pop! The third one ran off, trailing Susan’s blood and gore down the aisle. He sobbed silently as he quietly made his way to the front. Passing the rack of posters he stopped. Out stepped Santa; bigger and badder than ever! “Have you been naughty or nice?” he bellowed at Robert. “I’ve been nice!” Robert screamed hysterically, “I’m always nice! I’m a good guy!” The axe flew past his head and buried its head into a poster of Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow, splitting Jack’s head in two. Santa pulled out a notepad from his pocket and said, “Nice! Good, got you down now. No lump of coal for you.” Santa suddenly stood still and deflated.